Reflections
by 2queens1prince
Summary: After the basement flood, Elizabeth uncovers a stack of her old journals.
1. Chapter 1

AN: This story begins after the basement flood in Sound and Fury (4.12)

Elizabeth placed her hand on the doorknob and took a deep breath. She felt like her life was falling apart. There was something seriously disconcerting about Conrad's behavior. She was spending her days putting out the fires that he started. She didn't need troubles on the home front. When things were in upheaval at home, her anxiety climbed to oxygen depleting levels. Hard telling what her blood pressure was. And yet, the basement was still flooded.

Luckily, Henry and the kids were kind enough to go through and sort most of the things. Now, just a pile of her personal things remained that she needed to go through. Maybe a walk down memory lane would calm her.

She flipped the light switch and made her way down the stairs. The wood creaked under her weight and the air was still heavy and musty, despite the industrial fans which had been running constantly since Earl made his appearance three days ago. There, on the workbench, were several books and photo albums.

Elizabeth heaved a sigh of relief. All of the photo albums from her childhood were undamaged and neatly stacked at the end of the bench. Quickly, she flipped through a couple to make sure they were indeed unharmed and moved to the next pile. On top was her Memory book from high school with damp edges. Skimming the pages, she decided that she was pretty well emotionally removed from that and tossed it behind her into the large trash can. Next came a stack of secretary notes from Pi Mu Epsilon meetings in 1989-90. "Why?," she muttered, wondering how they had survived the many moves she and Henry had made over the years.

She made quick work of most everything in the second pile until she got to the leather bound book with the blue leather cover and red ribbon bookmark hanging from the bottom. Her breath hitched as she ran her fingers over the italic gold lettering, "journal." Elizabeth couldn't remember the last time she saw this book, but her heart ached and exploded with joy simultaneously. Fingering the edges of the pages, it seemed that this one had escaped the flood, and for that she was glad.

Elizabeth scooted a stool under the light bulb that hung from the floor joists above her head and opened the book. Seeing her mother's small, slanted and perfect script written across the page made a sizeable lump form in her throat.

_Lizzie, I wish you every happiness in the world and I'm offering you a place to record all of those things as well as the hard times. It's good to remember the past but always look forward to the joy that awaits you in the future. Happy 15th birthday. Love, Mom_

Turning the page, she found her first entry, written in teen girl loopy script with hearts as dots on the i's.

_February 25, 1983_

_Mom got me this journal for my birthday. She told me that it's to write important stuff. Journaling, she said helps you "work through feelings." She thinks I'm moody. I'm rolling my eyes hard. I think she's full of shit. Ha! I can use curse words. I find that humorous._

_March 20, 1983_

_They're dead. Mom and Dad. Both. There was a car wreck._

_March 24, 1983_

_Today was the funeral. Will and I buried our parents. I'm never going back to the cemetery again. I can't think about my feelings. If I feel, I will fall apart. I can't do that. Will needs me._

_June 10,1983_

_I can't breathe. I can't speak. I'm so angry, but I can't let anyone see that. _

_August 12, 1983_

_We leave for boarding school tomorrow. Will is excited. I am dreading it. I know Aunt Joan travels a lot, but we're 15 and 13. It's not like we're babies. We could take care of ourselves and stay in our same school. It's so stupid. Just when you think your life can't get worse, it does. It makes me not want to get out of bed in the morning. I am so angry with Mom and Dad. How could they just leave us? Why wasn't Dad more careful? How can I hate them and love them and miss them so terribly at the same time?_

_December 20, 1983_

_It's been a while. I left this at home (is it really home?). But I think I'll take it back with me. School isn't so bad. I joined the field hockey team and debate team. Will says it's about time I put my arguing skills to work for good instead of just griping at him. Maybe that's true, but someone needs to keep him in line. Somehow, in a fucked up turn of fate, that person is me. I don't want to do Christmas. It isn't the same without Mom and Dad. I want cookie decorating and arguing about where to put the ornaments on the tree and cuddling on the couch watching the fire with the Christmas lights making the living room glow. It fucking sucks. I live my life and no one would know anything is wrong, but there is a huge hole inside me that won't ever be filled again._

_March 20, 1984_

_How has it been a whole year? I'm done being mad about it, but now it's just a longing and wishing I would've gone. I should've gone. Will says it happened like it was supposed to, but I know better. I should've been there with him. Then I'd know too-I'd know what he knows. He doesn't ever talk about it. He pretends like it didn't happen. He's moved on. He might come by to say hi today, but maybe not. He has a baseball game. Maybe he doesn't even remember. He doesn't act like he does, and that hurts the most._

_June 4, 1984_

_I started my first job today. I'm working at a horse barn. I miss being around horses. We sold ours when Mom and Dad died, but we had no choice. Anyway, I clean the stalls and I'm giving lessons to a couple of girls. I think it will be fun. It will make me think of other things._

_June 9, 1984_

_There's a new guy at the farm. Chad seems nice. We're going to the movies tonight._

_July 4, 1984_

_Chad and I are getting serious. Maybe more serious than I would like. I don't know. I used to get so weird when Mom would try to have those girl talks with me. I wish she were here to talk to now._

_July 28, 1984_

_So we did it. I think I'm supposed to be excited or changed in some sort of life altering way, but I'm not. Sex isn't like it is in the movies. But, I suppose most of life isn't like the movies. He's going to college in a couple weeks, and I'm going back to school. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want anything past this summer, nor do I. And that's fine._

_August 19, 1984_

_I started classes today. My junior year. Joey's back. He didn't think he'd get to return to America for school, but his mother talked his father into it. He's a Bahraini prince. Their country has some really backward ideas, but Joey isn't like that at all. We met in debate club last year and he's a nice guy. Nothing can ever happen. He's already betrothed to a Bahraini girl. He's a good friend though. It's been a while since I had a real friend._

Elizabeth flipped through the pages of her high school years. A protest over the placement of the water cooler at field hockey games. Another couple miscellaneous boyfriends that lasted almost as long at it took to make the journal entry. Then the page opened to New Year's Day, 1986. So far, she'd done pretty well keeping her emotions in check. Her breath caught in her throat, as all of those feelings flooded her, just like they did so many years ago.

_January 1, 1986_

_I'm not sure what happened. Will left to spend Christmas with some friends and then go skiing the week after. Aunt Joan is out of the country and I'm sitting alone in my room at school. I thought about going down to the common room to watch TV, but I think the noise would shatter me. It's so quiet. I haven't spoken in days. Usually, I can talk to myself, but I found that I have nothing to say. So, instead I imagine what things would've looked like if Mom and Dad were still alive. Will and I would be home, I'd ride every day and probably try out steeplechase. My friends and I would go to the movies and hang out in the park, waiting for the guys to come by and talk to us. I'd probably have a boyfriend. Maybe William or Kevin-we always got along well. Mom and Dad would be taking me to visit colleges. They'd try to be fair and open to other ideas, but I would know that they were pulling for UVA. Good news guys, you're getting your wish. I got early admittance to UVA a month ago. I didn't bother applying anywhere else. I knew it's where you hoped I would go. I hope I can make you proud._

Elizabeth shut the book, her finger holding the place, and leaned into the concrete wall behind her. It had been more than a quarter of a century since she felt that way, but reading those words took her right back in an instant. That feeling of deep aloneness, never fully went away. Sure, once she made it to college, she met new people and before the semester was over, she met Henry, and eventually he had filled the hole in her heart left by her parents' death.

Even when they were new, there was always something about Henry, something that made her feel safe, wanted, and loved. Flipping forward a few pages, she found it-the day she met Henry.

_October 20, 1986_

_I think I may die of embarrassment. Today at the library, I was standing in the stacks, looking for the last book I needed for my Intro to Political Science essay. I already pulled six books, but then there was another one that looked interesting, so I went to pull it off the shelf and my whole stack of books shifted and went flying, making a huge clatter. Of course being in the basement, it echoed, further highlighting my clumsiness. I immediately fall to my knees and start picking up the books. I wasn't paying attention and accidentally cracked heads with a guy who stopped to help me. He was cute and I know I blushed like crazy. I was so embarrassed._

Elizabeth closed her eyes and smiled, remembering that which wasn't written. "I was just coming to see what the noise was all about," he'd said, gingerly rubbing his forehead. Elizabeth remembered how hot her cheeks felt and she was sure she was beet red.

"I'm so sorry," she mumbled.

Still crouching down beside her, he held out his hand to introduce himself. "I'm not," he said. "I'm Henry McCord."

Her stomach flipped inside her body when she extended her hand and met his gaze. He was so incredibly handsome and had such a kind smile. She wasn't sure how her insides could be turning themselves inside out and leave her feeling like she was on fire all at the same time. "Elizabeth Adams," she said softly, and gave him a shy smile. "Thanks for helping me, and sorry about your head."

"How did you not get hurt?" Henry asked.

"My dad always said I was hard headed," she laughed, but it faded away as she realized what she'd said. Looking up, Henry was giving her a questioning look. He definitely noticed and offered her a hand to help her stand. "Thank you, Henry," she said, now hoping for a reason to keep him talking longer.

"Maybe I'll see you around sometime. Until then," he said, giving her a slight bow and he headed on down the aisle.

Back in the basement, Elizabeth laughed as she thought about how incredibly dorky that was and how much she loved that about him.

She flipped through those early first dates-bowling, Scrabble nights, and even voting. Elizabeth smiled as she read her many entries, now able to see how her love for Henry was growing.

_February 7, 1987_

_Henry asked me if I would come with him to his parents' house over our four day weekend. I didn't know what to say, so I said I'd have to check and get back with him. If I go, they will ask about my family. He still doesn't know about Mom and Dad. I feel like we're going too fast. I don't think I'm ready to share that with anyone. But, Henry is such an important part of my life now. He deserves to know. Why can't I tell him?_

_February 14, 1987_

_I totally ruined Valentine's Day. Henry came to my room to pick me up and he had flowers and we ate a nice dinner. Once again, he asked me about going to meet his parents and I got all weird. Then he thought he'd done something wrong and now he thinks I'm mad. And now, I am mad-mad at myself. He was going to take me back to his place and I was hoping we could go a little farther than we've been before. But now he probably doesn't even want to see me anymore. Damnit! Why can't anything just be easy? Why can I not just let myself get invested? I want Henry and I to be more than just boyfriend/girlfriend, but I can't even tell him about my parents._

Elizabeth drew in a ragged breath. Looking back now she could see it, but at the time, she had no idea what was happening. Walling up her emotions about her parents, also closed off her ability to share emotions at all. If Elizabeth knew anything about herself, it was that she never went halfway on anything. No matter what she did, she was all in. The more time that passed, the more she buried her emotions. She couldn't compartmentalize them. But if she was going to really be able to love Henry, she had to get it all out, and it was coming. She closed the book and set it aside. She needed to get some other things accomplished, but she definitely needed to revisit this story, even though she already knew the ending.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Thank you so much for the reviews. For those that have asked, this fic will have four chapters, and I'll post every couple days or so. I hope you enjoy this next installment.

Chapter 2

The stack of four journals sat in her bottom nightstand drawer for a few months. Occasionally she would open that drawer, looking for something else and think about picking the second one up, but then she shut the drawer. She was a lot better at compartmentalizing now.

Henry was away at a conference and Elizabeth was miraculously home at a reasonable hour. She and Jason were the only ones in the house and he was in full teenager mode, holed up in his room playing video games. Changing into comfy clothes, she crawled under the covers with the intention of watching TV, but suddenly turned her head and looked down at the drawer. Leaning down, she pulled the second volume from the stack and settled back into the pillows and opened the book.

_March 20, 1987_

_Why do I always think I can just power through this day? It's been four years. You would think that I could grasp it by now. I made it though my first class, but then I just couldn't go on. Everything that I saw or that was said, became some kind of memory of my parents. I barely made it back to my room before I collapsed, crying myself to sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I'm going back to bed._

_March 21, 1987_

_Henry came by last night to check on me. We had a study date at the library that I forgot about. I tried to cover it, but he knows me too well. One look, and he had me wrapped in his strong arms, begging me to tell him what was going on. Reluctantly, I told him about my parents and how much I missed them and about Will and how it hurt me that he seemed to ignore the whole thing. Henry said nothing, but held me while I cried. _

_When I stopped crying, he fed me ice cream and we talked into the night. I tried to share my feelings with him. It was so much harder than I thought it would be to let someone in. I did share more than I had with anyone since that day four years prior. Henry wiped my tears with his thumbs and kissed my forehead, then my cheek and then my lips. Suddenly I was hungry for him. I wanted him. He only held me and said we should wait. I was annoyed then, but now that I'm not in the middle of all those emotions, it was probably a good thing. He's a good man. I don't deserve him._

Elizabeth thought about how much she struggled in those first few months, and probably years, if she were honest with herself. She grew to love Henry so deeply, but couldn't come close to expressing how she felt. For a woman who seemed to never be at a loss for words, she never seemed to have the right ones when it came to her feelings.

_April 20, 1987_

_I spent the four day break for Easter meeting Henry's family. That was interesting to say the least. They are so very different than my family ever was. They are loud and they say whatever comes to mind with little thought to how it will make others feel. Henry was stressed. He spent the first two days trying to shield me so my feelings weren't hurt or I didn't take their offhanded comments wrong. Saturday morning, after a particular harrowing breakfast in which Henry jumped down his sister, Maureen's, throat over a comment about my family's wealth, I led him to the laundry room. Once the door was shut, I pinned him to it and kissed him hard, pressing myself into him. I held his head so I could look into his eyes when I broke the kiss. "Don't try to handle me. I can take care of myself."_

_He spun me around so I was against the door, holding my hands over my head. His lips, tongue and teeth were everywhere. I would almost say he was eating my face and the tension that was building in me was unfathomable. If for half a second, if I thought Henry would go for it, I would have asked him to fuck me right there on his parents' washing machine. He wouldn't though. He says he's waiting for the right time-that we aren't ready yet. I'm not sure how much more ready I can get._

_The rest of the weekend was better. Henry's mom is super sweet and his dad is gruff, but I had expected that. He's a Union man, a working man. He has a distrust for those he perceives as rich. My family, with my dad working as an investment banker, falls squarely into that category. I did my best to be polite and respectful and still let him know that I thought he was wrong on certain topics. I'm not sure if they like me. Henry says they do, especially his mom, so I guess that's good._

_May 8, 1987_

_I took Henry to the National Guard armory today. He's leaving for the Marines. He does a month in Alabama somewhere and then on to Pensacola. Then, who knows where? I smiled and said goodbye. I love him. I know I do, but I couldn't get the words to leave my lips. They stayed stuck in my throat. My mind says that I won't ever let myself be that vulnerable again even though my heart feels differently. I'm afraid he's going away and I won't ever see him again._

_June 12, 1987_

_Henry's in Pensacola now. He just got there. He called to see how I was. I was so glad to hear his voice. I started crying. My chest hurt and I couldn't breathe. Henry was fit to be tied on the other end of the phone. Finally, I felt like I would burst if I didn't get it out. I blurted out "I love you," interrupting his line of questioning. _

_He only said that he already knew that and that he was happy that I finally knew too. I told him I'd known for a long time, that I just couldn't say it. We talked more and I blew kisses into the phone before hanging up. I miss him so much._

Elizabeth laid her head back against the headboard and closed her eyes. She knew what came next, but didn't remember what she wrote. Smiling, she turned her attention back to the journal to find out.

_June 14,1987_

_Henry just left. I am still stunned that he drove 11 hours just to spend one hour with me. It was 6am and I was just coming out of the bathroom and had plans to go back to bed. The doorbell scared me a little because who comes to someone's house at that time of day and also because I was by myself. But looking out the window and seeing Henry on my front porch, I opened the door, tears already in my eyes._

_All he said was "it's time," and I fell into his arms. Awkwardly, I led him to my room and after he teased me about me pink ruffled comforter and sheets with horses on them (in my defense, the others were in the laundry), he laid me down on my bed and made love to me._

_I've never felt so loved or special in my life. I love Henry McCord. He couldn't stay, but he drove all that way just to make sure that I knew he feels the same way about me as I do him. I want to think we will make it._

Elizabeth let a smile wash across her features as she recalled the gentle and loving way Henry touched her and made her body react in ways she didn't know were possible. She felt her own arousal start to climb just thinking about it. Taking a deep breath, she shook her head and skimmed the next several pages of summer visits from Henry that only lasted an hour, but were the best hours of that entire summer.

_August 8, 1987_

_I didn't think it would ever be possible to want to kill Will, but here I am. I planned my return to school just so I could help him move into Columbia. I had to do it alone and it sucked, so I wasn't letting that happen to Will. As usual, he was an ass about it all, acting like me coming along was the worst thing that could ever happen to him. But, that's Will's typical M.O._

_November 8, 1987_

_Will and I spent the weekend trout fishing on the Farmington River in Connecticut. When we are out on the river, we get along. Or, we get along better than usual. It was a nice weekend and it kept my mind off Henry. I miss him so much. _

_Henry calls faithfully, every Sunday. Tonight he told me that he gets a week's leave around Christmas. We'll spend a few days with his parents and then a few days with Will and Aunt Joan. I am beyond excited._

_December 29, 1987_

_I put Henry on a plane today. He's headed to California to Miramar. He's my very own Pete Mitchell. I already miss him. _

_March 13, 1988_

_I'm on the airplane headed to California. I can't wait. _

Elizabeth grinned. "That was an awesome spring break," she murmured. She read ahead and was disappointed that her younger self didn't mention their marriage discussion. Elizabeth remembered being so proud of herself that she had pushed out of her comfort zone and was the first to bring up marriage. She told Henry that he was the one that she wanted to spend her life with. Even more than 20 years later, her heart still fluttered thinking about the way he had looked at her after she spoke those words. And she blushed thinking about what happened next.

Elizabeth flipped through several pages of hard classes and roommate issues and lots of missing Henry and the joy of their brief encounters.

_May 12, 1990_

_So many things are happening at once. I graduate in a couple hours, I'm cleaning out my apartment tomorrow and after spending a couple days with Aunt Joan, I'm headed to Miramar for the summer. An entire summer with Henry. It will be the first time we've really been able to spend more than a few days together since he graduated from grad school three years ago._

_I'm excited and scared at the same time. Since we haven't been together, will we still be good as a couple? There's a part of me that says I'm crazy for worrying about it, but I think there will always be a part of me that thinks he will up and leave me one day._

Elizabeth's heart ached because she knew she had predicted it.

_August 6, 1990_

_It's over. He left me. I start grad school in a week and go home in four days and he shows up tonight and breaks up with me. I don't know what to say other than I figured it would happen. It took a lot longer than I thought though. My heart is shattered, but I can't bring myself to cry. It's just like when Mom and Dad died. If I allow myself to feel, I will break to the point that I cannot go on and that is not an option. _

_August 9, 1990_

_My bags were all packed and I was sitting on the couch, staring at the wall when Henry walked in. I'm sure I looked like shit, but I think he looked worse. Before I knew what was happening, he was on his knees crying into my lap and begging my forgiveness._

_My heart was so thankful he had come back, but my brain was pissed as hell that he hurt me. Somehow before I knew what was going on, he dragged me to the park down the street and asked me to marry him. He hired a last minute skywriter to prove to me that he was willing to go to any length to show the depth of his love for me. Obviously there was a miscommunication because the skywriter missed half of the letters. It read "Mar me Elibet."_

_There was just something so ludicrous about the whole situation, I found myself telling him yes through my laughter and my tears. _

_I eventually got him to admit what the problem was. Henry's going to be deployed to the Middle East. He's terrified that something will happen to him, leaving me alone. So, somehow in his warped man think, he decided that breaking up with me would be preferable to me dealing with his possible death. Man think, I swear. I still haven't forgiven him, but it seems that I will be marrying him anyway. As mad as I am, I cannot see my life without him in it._

_December 12, 1990_

_Henry's being transferred to Great Lakes in Chicago. He's going to be deployed soon. I'm done with my first semester in two days. I'm going to fly there and meet him._

Elizabeth chuckled as it just so happened that was the last entry in her second journal. It was almost like even the book knew what a natural break would be. She looked down into the drawer and eyed the third book. Pulling it out, she placed it on her nightstand for another day.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Settling back into her seat on the plane, she knew she should sleep, but she was entirely too wired to do that. She'd asked Henry to pack her book for her. Leaning down, she reached into the side pocket of her bag and pulled out the journal. She cocked her head slightly at the book. It wasn't the one she meant, but with the next twenty hours in front of her, she could finish the book and sleep too.

_December 22, 1990_

_We got married yesterday. Henry's worried about me. He wants me to have spousal benefits should something happen to him. That thought makes me sick. Even though it wasn't the wedding ceremony I had always hoped for, it was Henry and me and we love each other. We have no plans on leaving the apartment until he has to report Monday morning._

_January 15, 1991_

_I sent Henry off to war today. I am nauseous and I wonder if that will go away. He'll be gone for at least a year. Hopefully I won't feel this sick the whole time. I hope God keeps him safe and brings him home to me._

_February 10, 1991_

_Henry called today. Something has happened. Something bad. I can tell it in his voice, although his words are the same. I asked and he said he was fine. He's not, but I also know that he wouldn't tell me because he doesn't want me to worry. I'm well past that point. I worry all day every day. It's always there, the fear that something will happen to him. That I will lose someone I love. Again._

Elizabeth read the entry about their first attempt at phone sex, which caused her to snort, earning the side-eye from both Blake and Jay. Not wanting to have to either explain or have that discussion, she skimmed through the several pages of phone calls to Henry, whining about inept partners on group projects, and the occasional Will rant Then she found a good one.

_March 20, 1992_

_This started out to be such a suck ass day. Nine years. Just when I think I've got it under control and I'm over it, BOOM, nope. At five o'clock, I finally forced myself to get out of bed and went to get the mail. I got a letter from a guy named Conrad Dalton. He wants me to come work for the CIA. I'm not sure how he got my name, but he wants me to come in for an interview. I haven't considered working there but it seems like an adventure. Lord knows I need something intense to keep my mind off the next few years. _

_I was almost asleep when the phone rang. Henry snuck away to check on me. He knew today would be hard. I miss him so much. He sounds distant. I'm already worried about what it's going to look like when he gets back._

_May 1, 1992_

_I'm sitting in bed with Henry sleeping next to me. It is surreal. He got home yesterday afternoon. I graduate tomorrow, then it's off to DC. I start my job with the CIA next month. Henry's on leave for the month also. So we'll move together and spend some time in Pittsburgh with Henry's family and maybe try to catch Will before he heads off on his next overseas mission._

_May 12, 1992_

_Henry is struggling but he won't let me in. He says he can't talk about it, but I've heard him in the shower crying. He refuses to go see someone, saying he just needs time. I hope he's right._

_June 14, 1992_

_Henry reports for duty at Quantico in the morning. He'll stay on base through the week and come home on Friday night. We'll get to see each other every weekend. To say I'm excited is an understatement. _

There were only a few entries to bridge a long span of time. Weekends spent in bed or daytripping the east coast, her beginning struggles at the CIA being a woman in a male dominated organization, and how they felt their way through being together when they were mostly apart.

_July 23, 1993_

_I am finally getting my bearings with this job. I've made friends with the only two other women in my division. Isabelle and Juliet are both single and a couple years older than me, but they've been very friendly and helpful. Conrad is our supervisor and he's nice but demands excellence. It's good for me to be challenged. _

_Henry found out he's getting deployed again. He seems to just now be all straightened out after the last time. He says he's fine, but then again, he's always said he was fine._

"What is on the Secretary's reading list?" Daisy asked busting into Elizabeth's thoughts.

"What?" she asked, pulling her journal closer to her body.

"Every once in a while, the gaggle wants interesting tidbits about you." Daisy gestured to the book. "So, what's Madam Secretary reading?"

"Uh," Elizabeth looked down at the journal. "The Fractured Republic is on my nightstand if anyone cares. Honestly, I haven't had time to get into it much. Henry was supposed to send it, but he grabbed Elizabeth McCord 1990-1996 instead." She gave Daisy a self deprecating smirk. "Not bestseller material."

Daisy nodded and grinned, "But excellent background material for your memoir one day."

Elizabeth playfully rolled her eyes at Daisy. "Hardly," she muttered, and shifted her eyes back to the page.

Daisy finally retreated and Elizabeth closed her eyes. She could never have envisioned even a quarter of what had happened in her life. It was surreal. Here she was sitting on a plane headed to Singapore to represent the United States as its top diplomat. Just thinking of all of the things she had been through made her head spin. She rubbed her temple and settled back into reading.

_December 24, 1993_

_I'm writing this from Henry's boyhood bedroom. I was invited to spend Christmas with the McCords while Henry is deployed. Honestly, I feel naked being here without him. Henry encouraged me to go, because he knew I would stay by myself otherwise. I may go visit Aunt Joan, but I wouldn't stay and Will isn't returning phone calls, so who knows what his plans are._

_Anyway, I overheard Maureen refer to me as Queen Elizabeth. That's hurtful. The last thing I consider myself to be is a queen. I know she says that because of outward appearances. My parents did invest well and I do have money. They don't need to know that I actually try not to spend much of it. I roll almost all of the interest from my inheritance back into the account. But, I'm guessing that it's the fact that I have money to start with. I would trade all of the money in the world for just one more day with my parents, but I don't bother telling anyone that. People are kind of set in their opinions I've noticed._

_December 26, 1993_

_Henry called yesterday. He sounds good and everyone got to talk to him. Henry's mom made sure that I got an extra turn, which was sweet. She really tries to look out for me. I think she understands that it's hard to be the outsider in the McCord clan._

_Hearing Henry's voice made me miss him so much. Hopefully he'll be home soon. Average deployments are nine months now. He'll be coming up on that soon enough. When he gets out, he says he wants to start a family. I'm not sure how to tell him that I don't know if I want that. I suppose that should have been one of those before we got married talks._

_January 11, 1994_

_Henry's home for good. He gets a month leave and he's retiring as a Captain. I couldn't be more proud. I'm excited because he seems much more at peace this time than last. I don't know that he saw much actual combat this time. He flew as an escort for planes with humanitarian aid. From what I know, it was pretty tame._

_February 14, 1994_

_We didn't do Valentine's Day very well. We ended up having a big fight over trying for a baby. I'm just not sure I want kids and Henry would have an entire house full I think. I tried to explain how scary it is to do something like that alone. I don't have a mother to help. Henry insisted that his mom would help, but that's not it. It's not my mom. And what if I don't have that maternal instinct? What if I can't learn it? This isn't a test that I could fail and try harder the next time. This is a child that we would be responsible for._

_March 19, 1994_

_Will and I got into a huge argument today. He wants to go visit mom and dad's gravesite tomorrow. I won't do it and he's called me everything he can think of. I'm just not going. I haven't been yet and I don't want to. It's just like-I don't know. I just can't. I ended up in tears. I haven't done that in a few years._

Elizabeth closed the book, resting it in her lap. All these years later, she still had never returned. Will revisited the idea every so often and she was always quick to shut him down. She still didn't have a solid reason as to why. Not going allowed her to hang onto them, at least in her mind? Maybe. She wasn't sure.

_April 24, 1994_

_Well, it seems that the angry sex we had after our big fight on Valentine's Day was surprisingly fruitful. I'm pregnant. I was late, but figured with the anniversary and just general stress and angst, my body was rebelling. It rebelled alright, rebelled against me. I cry all of the time now. I hate that everything affects me and I am so overwhelmed and scared. Henry is trying his best to be supportive but he is so damned giddy happy, I want to punch him. Not really, but kind of._

Snickering, Elizabeth glanced up to see if anyone had noticed. Everyone else seemed to be sleeping. She couldn't remember exactly how long it had taken her to warm up to the idea, but she flipped through the next several pages of doctor appointments, tirades, nausea, and terror.

_August 8, 1994 _

_I find myself talking to our baby, mostly when I'm driving to work. I've become accustomed to the idea now and although, I'm still terrified, I'm getting a little excited. She kicks all of the time and it's incredible to know that I have a person growing in me. I've read every pregnancy and baby book I can find and hopefully it will help. Henry is over the moon and it's hard not to join in when he's so crazy in love with this baby already. He painted the spare bedroom and we bought a crib, but it needs to be assembled, so we plan on doing that in a month or so. I see no reason to rush._

Elizabeth chuckled. Or maybe she should've gone ahead and insisted that they put the crib together. Flipping forward past a few other miscellaneous entries, she smiled.

_October 24, 1994_

_Stephanie Lynn McCord was born just a few hours ago. She's sleeping in my lap right now. She was born almost a whole month early, but she's doing great. She is small, weighing just over 6 pounds. I can't stop staring at her. She's wrinkly and raisin like, but she's beautiful. Henry and I made this baby. That's kind of hard for me to wrap my mind around. We made this baby._

The next several pages were sleep deprived drivel and milestones and devastation at not breastfeeding as long as she wanted. Near the end of the journal, she saw the date and closed it. She knew what was to be found at the end. Miscarriages when Stevie was 13 and 15 months. That was heartbreaking enough to go through the first time. She had no desire to reread it, at least not right now.

She slipped the journal back into her bag and unfolded the blanket that had been left on the seat next to her. She covered herself and reclined the seat back. She had 9 hours until she had to be functional. At least some of that time should be spent sleeping. As Elizabeth closed her eyes, she thought the long way she'd come in regards to her opinions of kids. In her younger days, she'd been terrified of them, but now, she found kids to be fascinating and she enjoyed being around them, often coming up with the most fun games that usually included running, climbing, and screaming. She smiled. She had most certainly come around over the last couple of decades.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Good day, Madam Secretary!" The screen went black and Elizabeth let out a huff of frustration.

"I hate it when he does that," she muttered, closing the program on her laptop.

"Ma'am, I think he does that just to spite you," Jay said wearily.

"Of that, I have no doubt, Jay." Elizabeth sighed. "Well, we're playing the waiting game for the next few hours. Why don't you go home for a while. I'll call you when we hear something."

"Ma'am, I-" Jay started and she shot him the "don't argue with me" look. "Thank you, Ma'am." He backed out of the office, and loitered just outside the doorway feeling guilty that she was staying when sending him home. He was just about to step back in and have that argument when she came flying around the corner and plowed straight into him.

Instinctively, Jay caught Elizabeth by the arm before she could go sprawling on the floor. "Shit Jay! You scared the crap out of me." She balanced herself. "Thanks. My next conversation with Chen probably would've been interesting if I had rug burn down my face." She threw him a self deprecating grin. "Why are you still here?" She didn't even pause before continuing already knowing the answer. "Henry is out of town, and the kids are doing whatever it is that they're doing. No one is at my house. I can stay. Go spend a little time with Chloe. And tell her I said hi."

Jay held his hands up in concession. "Okay. I'm going. You're sure?"

"Jay," she'd adopted that tone which meant he had about three seconds before he got his ass chewed. He turned and headed down the hallway toward his office to get his coat and bag. Elizabeth stepped into the breakroom to pour another cup of coffee. While waiting for a new pot to brew, she poked around for something to eat. Ten minutes later, armed with fresh coffee, an overripe banana and a protein bar that wasn't _that_ expired, she went back to her office to wait for Ming to get back with her.

Relaxing on the couch, she pulled the fourth journal from the pile on the end table. She'd brought it a few weeks ago when she thought she was going to have to pull an all-nighter, but that didn't come to pass. Now seemed to be the perfect time to delve in.

_March 17, 1996_

_I thought I was done with this, that I had finished grieving, but apparently not. In a few days it will be thirteen years ago that my parents were killed. It's been creeping up on me. Thoughts of them are more frequent now in the wake of losing the babies. I don't know that I've ever believed in Heaven, but in some weird way I would find it comforting if my parents were now taking care of our babies. It's sort of morbid that death is occupying so many of my thoughts lately._

_I also desperately want to try for another baby and Henry wants to wait. Wouldn't it be nice if we were ever on the same page at the same time? We flip flop a lot. He does want more children, but he's worried about me. _

_Work is stressful. Ever since the World Trade Center was attacked, we know how high the stakes are. We are working to both prevent attacks and capture anyone who is plotting against us. We are severely outnumbered I fear. Not everyone takes us seriously. Conrad gets it, but he's at the mercy of the President and SecDef that want defense spending to go elsewhere. _

_The benefit of busy work days is that it keeps my mind occupied. At home, Stevie is now running and climbing all over everything. It's good. If I don't have time to think, I can brush my feelings aside._

Elizabeth flipped a couple pages and was surprised to see that she jumped a large span of time.

_August 13, 1998_

_I haven't written much in the past couple of years. Between work being crazy and trying to be all in when I'm at home, I haven't had much free time. That and there seem to be fewer reasons to need to journal right now, but I remember that Mom said to put the good things too, so I'm finally expecting again. I think we're past the point of total fear. I was 7 weeks along both times I miscarried, and I'm past that point now, so I have my fingers crossed that everything will be okay. Henry is hovering and it's driving me nuts. Only seven more months (hopefully). If Henry keeps it up, I may wring his neck by then._

_November 30, 1998_

_We're having another girl. Henry is over the moon. I kind of thought he'd be a little down over wanting a boy, but he's in love with his girls. I am happy also, but I wouldn't mind a boy. I think our family will be complete though. We've had to work pretty hard to get the two we have (or almost have). Henry painted a wall purple in Stevie's room and we'll put the crib there. We should look at getting a bigger place at some point, but not now. Besides, I would've loved to share a room with a sister. We'll have to see how Stevie feels about it._

_December 21, 1998_

_Henry surprised me by taking me out for our anniversary. It's a rarity. Since Stevie has been born, we just don't go out by ourselves much. He hired a babysitter and we went to a nice restaurant and then to a play. It was fabulous. Eight years married. Twelve together. It seems like we've been together forever and for a split second all at the same time._

_December 26, 1998_

_Stevie is mad that Santa didn't bring her a baby. Uh, nope! Not yet baby girl!_

_March 15, 1999_

_Alison Mary McCord was born this morning at 4:23 am. 8lbs. 3 oz. and 20 inches long. Even though she seems tiny, she is still so much bigger than Stevie was. I remember how scared I was when Stevie was born. I'm probably overconfident now, but I'm really at peace, and happy. Huh! It's surprising how things turn out so much different than what you can imagine them to be when you are young. My 15 year old self didn't believe either would ever be possible. I'm happy to say that I was wrong._

_March 30, 1999_

_Yes, I was overconfident. I rescind everything I've ever said about being a parent of an infant being easy. Alison is proving me wrong. She nurses around the clock, never sleeps unless she is on me and cries the moment I put her down. She won't even let Henry hold her. He says it's fine and he's been spending his free time with Stevie and taking care of the house. I say that like he doesn't normally have a lot of housekeeping duties. He does, but he's been doing the things I usually do because Alison is literally attached to me. Even as I'm writing, she's curled against my chest. I'm supposed to go back to work in 5 weeks. There had better be a drastic shift before then or our lives will be nightmarish._

_April 18, 1999_

_Just got home from Ali's one month check up. The doctor thinks that she has food sensitivities and what I'm eating is making her feel bad. Great! No gluten, no dairy. This may literally kill me. I live on pasta with cream sauce._

_April 25, 1999_

_As much as I don't want to admit it. Noodle, as we now call her, is a different baby. She's happy and smiling and sleeps up to four hours at a time. I didn't think the change would happen so fast, but three days in and we could tell a difference. I miss pasta horribly, but if it means that she will stay with Henry or Janie and be happy, then I'll deal with the inconvenience. I'm going to go eat another handful of carrots because with no carbs, I'm hungry all of the damn time!_

Elizabeth chuckled remembering the day when Noodle was about 18 months old and had finally weaned herself. That first bowl of fettuccine alfredo was probably the best pasta she'd ever eaten. She was thankful that Ali had outgrown those early food sensitivities. Constantly thinking about what food she could or couldn't have was a pain. She couldn't imagine being a kid and having to deal with that responsibility.

She flipped forward through a few pages of Stevie being jealous of Ali, a beach vacation where Ali ended up sunburned and Stevie's first days of half-day pre-kindergarten. Then a photo fell from the pages and fluttered to the floor. Elizabeth picked it up, a smile forming on her lips, and she turned the page.

_January 15, 2000_

_We did it. We are finally home owners. It's a 3 bedroom Craftsman style house, with the master bedroom off of the living room and 2 more bedrooms upstairs. Henry and I decided to keep the girls together and make the extra bedroom a playroom/guest room for the once every three years Will graces us with his presence. There's a nice yard in the back for the girls. Henry says his dad and brother will come down and they'll build the girls a swingset. Dear Lord. Remind me to be gone when that happens. I have a bit of a longer drive, but we're out of the city and Henry's commute to UVA is shorter. I feel like we're grown ups now._

_March 25, 2000_

_No one reminded me. I cannot believe no one died in the building of the swingset. The girls are ecstatic though. Ali loves the baby swing and who even knew that Stevie was part monkey? She's climbing on everything. Hopefully the beer and pizza at the end of the day smoothed things over between Henry and Patrick. They always seem to be at odds._

_September 2, 2000_

_I'm pregnant. I just took the test. When I told Henry we should try for three, I wasn't really being serious. Now, we have to go through the wait. It's not so much the idea of another baby I'm wary of. It's the possible loss. Fear of loss is the reason I didn't want more children. Henry says it's in God's hands. I'm not sure how I feel about that._

_October 8, 2000_

_I'm eight weeks today. I am hopeful._

_October 13, 2000_

_The USS Cole was attacked yesterday, and I started cramping and had some spotting. I don't think I can do this again._

_October 20, 2000_

_I am cautiously optimistic. So far, the baby is still okay. I'm scared and trying to limit stress. At work, it's impossible though. Isabelle is hovering and her trying to not stress me out is really stressing me out!_

_November 25, 2000_

_I think Henry may never speak to his family again. Thanksgiving was a challenge. Maureen made a comment about how I wasn't cut out for motherhood because of my demanding job and Henry went off. It was hurtful, but she doesn't know about our struggles and we haven't told anyone about this new baby yet. After our first loss and having to tell everyone I lost the baby, I refuse to tell people until it's absolutely necessary. I was much less upset about it than Henry. He's more worried than he says. I wish we could talk about it. We communicate so well on so many things, but there are a handful of hard things that we just ignore. _

Elizabeth held the closed book in her lap. She still found it hard to believe that, at that time, they had been together so long, and knew each other so well, but they had so much to learn, so many tough times ahead. Back then she thought that deployment and miscarriages were hard, but that didn't come close to the thing that nearly broke them. She sighed, but then smiled. They had made it, and besides, she had a bit to go before she got to that anyway.

Elizabeth flipped forward a few pages and happy tears unexpected sprang to her eyes when her eyes fell on a picture of a new baby Jason, taped to the top of the page.

_May 15, 2001_

_Jason Patrick McCord was born healthy at 8:20pm, 8 pounds, 15 ounces and 22 inches long. He looks half grown already. I'm watching Henry hold him. He doesn't think I'm paying attention, but I know he's crying. He was being strong for me, but I know he was as scared as I was. I am very thankful in this moment._

_August 15, 2001_

_I returned to work two days ago. I love my job so very much, but I wasn't ready to come back this time. With the girls, even when we thought Noodle was our last, I was more than ready. I would like to say it's Jason that needs more time with me, but I don't think that's it. He loves his Daddy time and has taken to Miss Janie easily. I think the stress and feeling of impending doom at work has me anxious. There is a cloak of heaviness on our office since the USS Cole bombing. Something is coming. We just can't get quite enough information to piece something meaningful together. I have a feeling that each day that passes means something more dangerous, more vile, more evil is planned._

_September 11, 2001_

_Dear God. It's worse than anyone could've possibly imagined. I am torn between wanting to crawl into bed with my babies and never leaving and going nonstop until we find the bastards and kill them._

_December 16, 2001_

_It's 2am and I can't sleep, and wouldn't even if I wanted to. I'm cuddling Jason while he sleeps. He's growing so quickly and I'm missing so much of it. Guilt is eating at me. I'm either at work or thinking of work when I'm home. Henry is trying his best, but I know he's growing impatient with me. He wants me to forgive myself, and I cannot._

Closing her eyes, Elizabeth thought back to that time. She was always racked with guilt in one way or another. She spent so much of Jason's babyhood distracted. She did have several entries of milestones. Elizabeth made a mental note to go find Jason's baby book when she got home and add those dates. Hopefully on the ones she and Henry guessed on wouldn't be too far off, and there were several little stories she could add also.

There was a large gap, and seeing the date, she realized why she'd picked up the journal at this particular time.

_May 20, 2003_

_Twenty years. How is it even possible? I've lived more of my life without them than with them. Henry has been in my life longer than Mom and Dad were. Sometimes I wonder how I would've turned out if I hadn't met Henry. He filled a hole in my heart that I thought would be a gaping wound forever. _

_He's mad now. Maybe not mad, but frustrated and scared. We celebrated Jason's 2nd birthday this past weekend and I leave for Iraq tomorrow._

_Henry thinks someone else should go. He doesn't understand. I've tried to explain. It has to be me. I know this bastard. I'm going to find him and I'm going to make him give us everything he knows. He knows a lot. We need this information. It can save lives. Innocent women and children, families torn apart. US soldiers are losing their lives-devastating their families. It has to stop. I have to go._

_November 22, 2003_

_I made it back home today. Finally. I don't know that I will ever get the sand off of me. I swear the hot wind imbedded that shit in my skin. I always feel unclean. I never understood why taking a shower was the first thing Henry wanted to do when he arrived home from his deployments, even though he'd been laid over in Germany both times and I knew he'd showered there. Now I know. Although I wonder if my uncleanliness isn't also symbolic. I did what I was supposed to do. I followed all of the rules. I did nothing wrong. I just wish I knew why I can't stop thinking about it._

_February 4, 2004_

_It's 3am and I can't sleep. Again. It seems I can never sleep more than a couple hours at a time. It's eating me alive. Henry sees, but he cannot know. Tonight he went all Socratic on me (have I ever mentioned how I hate when he does that?). As much as I don't want to admit it, he has a point. The past cannot change. My peace has to come from what I can change in the future. Now, if only I had a fucking clue what that means, maybe I could actually sleep._

_March 1, 2004_

_I've got it. I know what I need to do._

_September 17, 2004_

_I did it. It took a long while to do the research necessary, but I finally finished my report. I ran it up to Director Dalton's office tonight before I left so I didn't chicken out again. I've had the report done for nearly a month, but it takes a lot of courage to hand your boss a report that may likely get you fired. Henry has no idea why he keeps refilling my glass of scotch this evening. I don't know how unemployment would look on me._

_April 3, 2005_

_I just reread my last entry and the ability to foretell the future is something that I should probably license for sale. Last week, Conrad told me that he shared my report with all of the higher ups, the President included. I thought for sure I was done-terminated. But then he said it had merit, and he wanted me to be Station Chief in Baghdad. I would implement the new policies. I would change the face of military intelligence gathering from human assets. It was unbelievable._

_I had no idea how opposed Henry would be to the idea. I didn't think he would like it, but I thought he would understand-he would understand how I needed to do this. I could make it right. He was the one that told me I needed to change the future so I could right the wrongs of my past._

_I know that he doesn't see it that way; he gave me a choice-my family or my job. He can't seem to understand that after writing the report, I either have to be part of the solution or leave. Staying and watching the same ineffective strategies continue is no longer an option. There is no choice really. I turned in my resignation this morning. But now what am I going to do?_

Elizabeth turned her body to lay down on the couch and close her eyes. For years she held onto that resentment. She learned to function, and even thrive. She loved teaching, and she was good at it, but there was always that part of her that knew she left too soon. She and Henry were at odds for at least a year if not more. Rough patch didn't begin to describe it. They barely spoke, moving around with and for the kids, but not each other.

Flipping ahead a few pages, she knew she didn't write it down, but there was a particular night, early spring she guessed, because she remembered being wrapped in a quilt on the porch swing in their backyard. By this point, she was better, now working on her doctorate, teaching as an adjunct at the community college for something to do, to bring in a little money. The thought of not contributing to the family finances at all was unacceptable to her for some reason.

Elizabeth's mind wandered and she thought about that for a moment. Henry had been on sabbatical more than once and not all were paid. Never had she thought about which one of them was or wasn't bringing in money, but in the months after leaving the CIA, Elizabeth desperately felt the need to contribute. She decided that it had to do with feeling useful and having a purpose more than earning money. Her need just happened to manifest itself in having a job.

She shook her head bringing herself back to that night on the porch swing. Henry wandered out and sat beside her. LIke so many times in their marriage, things needed to be addressed, and they neither one knew how to start.

"We have to move past this," she said softly, turning to him.

"I'm sorry I didn't want you to go. I've always supported you in whatever you wanted to do, but I just couldn't get behind that. I'm sorry for what I did." Henry caught her gaze and the shattered look could be seen in both of them.

"I do think I understand why and you're not wrong, but I just didn't fully comprehend how leaving the company would change everything. Everything Henry, do you get that? I mean really get it? Every aspect of my life collapsed, and I was not, and I am still not prepared to handle that."

"I know you need time to rebuild, but I don't want you to forget that I love you. I have been selfish and stubborn and downright stingy in showing my love for you, and that changes right now." He had taken her hand, leading her to the bedroom where they connected physically and emotionally, building the bridge to work on talking through it.

_September 8, 2007_

_So much has happened. I've been looking for this journal for a while. It got buried when we moved. Henry and I decided we needed to make a drastic change for ourselves and our marriage. Once I finished my doctorate, we moved closer to UVA, so we could both teach and we bought a horse farm. I knew I missed horses, but I had no idea how much. It's been bumpy. Stevie was not in favor of a move. She's in middle school and it was hard for her to leave her friends, but Noodle and Jace have been pretty easy going about it. _

_I love teaching. It doesn't fill the emptiness of leaving the CIA totally, but it's doable and Henry and I finally getting back to us is worth anything I may have had to give up. Looking back, I wonder if the pain of him being there but us not being "okay" was actually worse than my parents dying and knowing they were gone. I shouldn't dwell on that too much. The fact is that it's getting better every day and I don't have to worry about it._

Elizabeth scanned the last few pages of entries. Most were stories of things the kids did and Henry's mother passing. She swallowed the lump in her throat. That had been hard. Will married Sophie, and was expecting. She hoped that would last. She knew she would kill her brother if she had to be married to him. Sophie was a strong person, so maybe reining him in wouldn't be such a struggle for her.

Elizabeth chuckled as she got to the last page and the last entry was written on the inside of the back cover.

_March 4, 2014_

_Looks like it's time to buy a new journal. I'm out of pages in this one, but it's getting packed up yet again. Conrad showed up on my doorstep a couple weeks ago and asked me to be his Secretary of State. What the hell? I asked if he was joking. He says that together we can affect real change in the world. There's a part of me that thinks this is my second chance. I came to terms with leaving the CIA a long time ago, but I never quite believed that I was done there. I feel pretty inept coming into this job, but Conrad thinks I can do it, so I will step up and do it to the best of my ability. Hopefully the next journal will be one of my successes._

Elizabeth closed the book and pressed it to her chest. She never did get another journal. It wasn't that she didn't have stories to tell-some good and some heartbreakingly bad, but so many things now didn't feel like her stories. Her work seemed to be so much a collaborative effort that she was just a part of and the kids were growing up and had their own lives.

Stevie was making her own way and Ali, just starting out. Both were strong, determined women that made her fiercely proud. And, Jason a senior. Wow! She couldn't hardly comprehend that when she so vividly remembered rocking him in the middle of the night, not because he was awake, but because she desperately needed the connection to her baby. In hindsight, she wasn't sure how much she would have chosen to do differently. She missed a lot, but Jason seemed like a pretty well adjusted kid now, even though she had some serious concerns in his early teen years. If not, she knew a good therapist. She chuckled at her own thought.

Back in the beginning, who would've thought that she would be laying on the couch in the Secretary of State's office waiting for a call from the Chinese Foreign Minister? The whole thing seemed surreal. Now she was planning on running for President. She thought about what that would entail, knowing there would be difficulties. She smirked, knowing Mike B. would tell her that she was foolishly naive and it would be a million times more difficult than she thought. Elizabeth had no idea how this was going to turn out, but she made a mental note to tell Blake she needed another journal. She figured there would probably be some things worth writing down over the next few years.

The laptop made a series of beeps behind her and she hopped up and smoothed her blouse, her attention turned now to matters of state. Elizabeth hoped Chen had some good news for her.

AN: Thank you for following along on this little venture. I appreciate all of the kind words. Please let me know what you think.


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